Yup, we went there.
Getting down and dirty is a freaking paradox of life. We’re expected to know what we’re doing to get a mate, but in order to do that, you need practice, and in order for that to occur, you need a mate…which you’re currently too inexperienced to have. It’s also as bad as trying to get a job straight outta college!
Getting a potential partner is one thing, but having to teach yourself the in’s and out’s of anatomy/physiology as well as the physical maneuvering to access erogenous zones?
For this reason, we’ve created this short guide to getting it on to help you out and give you a basis to which you can start practicing and coming up with your own techniques.
Just remember, only you can encourage fire…in your pants*
Few things seem more terrifying than the first kiss (or for some, even the 31st kiss). For some reason, one of the most basic fundamentals of romance remains a mystery in adolescence, and therefore usually sucks the first few times (and not in the fun way below).
Kissing is like dancing; your goal is simply to be in unison with your partner. They go slow, you go slow. They speed up, you speed up. You begin to change speed, they should too (hopefully).
When you and your date are having a high point in conversation and flirting , lean in and close your eyes. Your lips should just gently touch theirs and slowly move with them. For an sensual, gently pull on their lip with your teeth (I said pull, NOT BITE).
If things are going well, slowly bring your tongue to theirs and lightly do to it similar movements like what your lips are doing to theirs. If things get heavy, you can bring your tongue more into their mouth, but don’t overdo it. Nobody wants to gag during a failed french.
Also, make sure your lips are not open to wide. Only puppies can slobber and still be cute
At this point, should you be in a private (or at least legal) location and your partner is willing, it’s time to turn up the heat.
From their lips, slowly move on to giving small kisses on their neck. At this point, you can begin to caress their chest/breasts as you move towards their legs and eventually between them. I must warn you however, that if at any point they show signs of being uncomfortable/hesitant, stop and ask if they’re okay. If they physically say “stop” or “no”, STOP!, apologize, and still ask if they are okay. Don’t put people into uncomfortable situations that can cause trauma and possibly put you under sexual assault charges. Even if your persistence can get them to change their mind, there’s no point in being with someone who wants to coerced into sex. Trust me, there are many more people out there that frankly want to have sex.
At this point, clothes will likely start being removed. If you end up having to deal with a bra, just push both end towards each other and away from the other person’s back (If you’re struggling, just ask for help. It’s much preferable to spending 15min fumbling around).
If the person with you has a vagina, you might consider fingering them. Though some people hands down don’t enjoy this, a decent amount do, so here’s a quick video from Simple Pickup should you decide to:
On the other hand, if you’re dealing with a dick (hopefully the part, not the person), warming them up with a hand-job is usually welcomed.
Since the only advice on this I know from experience is to avoid dry hand jobs and don’t roughly go into hyper speed and inadvertently wail on the other person’s jewels, I asked my girlfriend Rachel for input:
Make sure to use spit or lube to avoid giving an awkward or even painful hand job.
While performing it, ask them what they prefer: gentler, harder grip, long tip play or less (based on how sensitive they are).
Also something I like to do is a gentle rub of the tip with the palm of my hand. Try using both hands along the shaft to recreate the sense of deep tightness like a mouth or vagina (a place where adequate lubrication is essential, so don’t let it get dry).
Begin to kiss your way down your partners body until you end up between their legs. From here, the advice splits off:
If they have a vagina, you may be glaring at it like you’re looking into the fucking abyss. It’s true, they are a labyrinth at first, and even after multiple partners, I’m still getting the hang of them.
Quick flicks of the tongue and tiny circles directly on the clit as well as the area slightly to the right of it work the best in my opinion. Keep the fingering advice in mind when you go for it, and make sure to watch/listen for breathing patterns. If they are breathing heavier and getting louder, keep it up and increase speed. If not, move around a little and keep at it.
The goal is to get them to the point where they start getting very vocal or heavily breathing. When this occurs, increase speed and maintain the location (they may begin to move their hips, so do your best to keep up. Unless in heavy pain, only after they cum, get wet enough for sex, or say stop should you stop (cumming can be signaled after they get very vocal and start pushing your head away, though I have kept at beyond this and caused another orgasm before).
Seeing as I haven’t gone down on a dude myself, I again got some advice from a pretty lady that has gone well beyond keeping a smile on my face:
I’d say it varies on person to person. Like hand jobs, ask them what he prefers: gentler, harder grip, long tip play or less (based on how sensitive he is).
Deep-throat, but don’t kill yourself over it (just make sure to watch those chompers). Gently cup the balls and roll them with your tongue, and use a lot of spit or lube to prevent a weird and probably a painful bj. Rogue pubes in mouth are inevitable but not the end of the world.
Play around with speeds and hand/mouth use, try kissing or stroking inner thighs/lower abdomen to tease, and even a finger in the pooper if they’re cool with that.
And now for the main event…
On the topic of condoms, I suggest buying a box of thinner ones (heat and feeling is a LOT more intense using these than the others balloons) and making sure you have a good fit. After trying multiple brands, I’ve settled on Trojan Magnum Bareskin** as being a brand that both provides sensation and doesn’t cut off circulation, but this will vary for different people, so try a few out.
To put a condom on, pull open the wrapper, open the condom, and look for the end where the tip (if there is one) is sticking out. Push down on the tip to prevent an air pocket and slide the condom over your penis. If you’re doing this for someone else, follow the same tips, just make sure to be gentle on the sliding.
There are three basic sex positions everyone should know: missionary, doggystyle, and cowgirl.
- Missionary: The most basic of sex positions, yet also a bit more difficult to hit the g-spot from. With them on their back, insert yourself and isolate your hips so they are thrusting into the vagina rather than pushing your whole body forward (it’s basically reverse twerking). To increase intensity, keep your upper body elevated by pushing yourself up from your forearms or hands.
- Doggystyle: Much easier to hit the g-spot from yet less romantic in its view, doggystyle is simple to do though can be challenging to start. Have the other person get on their hands and knees and aim to push your penis more upward at an angle. If you’re having trouble finding the right hole (whatever you do, DON’T make that mistake), ask them to insert you in. From here, pulling out 2/3rds of the way with a hard thrust back tends to do the job.
- Cowgirl: This time, the penetrator gets to lie back. If you’re the one on top getting penetrated, the only advice I can personally offer is to take it VERY slow so you don’t miss and accidentally break the other person’s disco-stick. My girlfriend’s pointers:
I like to play with speed. I love the moments where it’s fast/hard and I need to hold onto something (or someone) to keep myself at a steady pace.
Teasing by going painfully slow is also fun, just barely massaging the tip at the opening (and sometimes being forced down due to impatient temptation.
Staying all the way down, rocking the hips and grinding them in a circular motion is a good-ass time. My favorite part about it is when I can also get my clit involved against the pelvic bone. Yeah, good n nice stuff!
Should you be lucky enough to try this out, I again have a quick video from Simple Pickup.
Before you watch however, I will give two pieces of advice for all the potential penetrators:
- It can be awkward trying to match crotch level with the correct hole (different heights don’t make this easier), and if it’s your first time, the stress of trying to figure it out can cause you to go a bit limp. Don’t fret about it, just go back to foreplay/sex and try again later.
- Especially if you’re larger, even if it seems more pressure is necessary, GO SLOW! (I’ve made this mistake before, and trust me, the response is NOT pleasant).
If you TRULY want to be a badass, subscribe here. You’ll get notified about an upcoming ebook that goes more in depth on how to boost stop being a “nice guy” and boost your confidence by 300% guaranteed!
*Seriously though, if you start experiencing fire-like burning below the belt, it’s best to see a doctor. No one wants to catch your crotch critters.
** This article is not sponsored by Trojan. If however, you are connected to Trojan and would like to sponsor me/set up a meet and greet with Lil Dicky, I’ll love you forever!